And He’s Back… (for now)

Every so often, I am struck with a nagging sense of guilt for letting too much time go by without blogging about the memories that I am supposedly keeping.  Self-condemnation creeps in, and I find myself drifting toward the keyboard to try to catch up with writing about at least seven years of the happenings in our family.  It is at this point, however, that I am also struck with a certain paralysis of the will – I imagine that it’s much like finally sitting down to scrapbook, but realizing that the looming stack of photographs are all out of order and have to be sorted through and prioritized and…. and…….. *sigh*…..  The proverbial shoebox of memories is tucked away once again for safekeeping, but not one step closer to actually being set out for artistic preservation.

I just realized, though, that in some ways, I am a far more active blogger than I realize.  In terms of writing witty, sentimental posts about family and memories…. not so much.  However, I am forever taking pictures, and regularly uploading them to share with my family and friends.  I may not be writing nearly as much as I would like;  nevertheless, I am providing a sort of organized narrative about what’s going on in my life, and after all, isn’t that part of the purpose of blogging?

Or am I still just making excuses?

Daddy’s Big Book of Truly Incredible Tales and Adventures

Almost all of the stories I have told to Noah over the years (with the exception being our ongoing Star Wars sagas) have sprung from one book.  It is a very rare book, indeed, as only one copy exists; not only so, but it is also a magic book.  Among the tales of Hookleg Jack, Sir Noah the Brave, the Ten Little Ninjas, and Jetpack Jackson lay tales yet to be told, friends yet to be made, mysteries yet to be solved, quests to be embarked on, and so on and so forth. 

The book seems to grow in proportion to the amount of stories read – the further we get into the book, the more we discover there is yet to be explored.  With each telling, the stories develop more life, depth, and detail, seamlessly adapting to Noah’s increasing imagination and wit.

Lately, more often than not, Noah has been enthralled with Star Wars adventures taking place in our own expanded universe, but the book remains nearby, a special treat for those bedtimes when the pirates, knights, and other adventurers are clamoring for attention.   These are the times we take the dusty book down from the bookshelf, twist the key to unlock its secrets, open the creaky binding, and let the imaginary words begin to take shape as, together, we step forth into other worlds and times.

I love being a dad!

Too Much Social Networking, Too Little Blogging

I am a late arriver to Facebook.  I’ve had an account there, along with MySpace for some time, but I only used them sporadically, mostly to keep in touch with the younger members of my extended family.  Over the past month, however, my wife and I have suddenly found ourselves connecting with more and more of the people we know, as well as reconnecting with old friends, classmates, and acquaintances from our past.  In many respects, it has felt like one great big reunion, and has been a wonderful experience.

The downside is that in getting so connected is that I have realized just how much I have neglected the online activities that have meant the most to me, such as writing regularly in this blog.  Looking back over the dates, I am embarrassed to see such gaps in time, as if those gaps suggest periods of my life where I just didn’t care about what was happening in my life.  That couldn’t be any farther from the truth.  I love to chronicle everything in some way or another, usually by photographs or by my ever-present video camera, but I have always had a special fondness for words.

I’ve written far too many posts in the past (most of them deleted in hindsight) vowing to do better and to write regularly, so I know better than to do it again.  In my heart, I would write everyday, or at least once or twice a week, but I will let this post serve as my yearly reminder to myself to step up the pace a bit.  I only get to go through this life once, and if I write down the memories, thoughts, and feelings for no one else, I write them for myself.  Unfortunately, that particular audience tends to be the harshest of critics of my efforts…

Parent/Teacher Conferences…

In just a couple of hours, Shelly and I will be going to our very first Parent/Teacher conference at Noah's school.  This is one of those life moments when again I think of just how fast life seems to be streaming by.  I can't seem to wrap my head around the increasing brevity and fleetingness of life, and honestly, I don't even try all that often.  It either gives me a headache or depresses me for the rest of the day.  It feels to me like the first day of school wasn't that long ago, and yet, here we are, just three weeks away from Christmas!

Almost every time I walk into Noah's school, I am reminded of my own childhood, and I find myself sometimes imagining what life was like for my parents when I was young, and wondering if Noah will have similar thoughts someday.  When I was young, I thought parents just somehow knew all there was to know, as if that knowledge came instantaneously upon reaching adulthood.  I was well into my 20s when the harsh reality hit me -- they had been "winging it" all along, trying to do their best with what they had.  That knowledge was revelatory to me.  It helped me to understand them on so many levels, and to forgive and let go of their perceived mistakes.

Now I am the parent of a 6-1/2 year old, who thinks much the same of me and his mom, that we know it all, that we have a solid grasp on what we are doing as parents and as adults.  I just hope that someday he comes to the same conclusions -- we loved him fiercely, and tried to make the best decisions for him and our family.

Life is filled with the "letting go" moments.  From the day that children are born, they are beginning the long journey toward independence, and we, as parents want desperately to hold on to him for as long as we can, all the while knowing we have to slowly let him go, little by little.  Today we will be conferring with his teacher, as we continue the process of sharing him with the larger world in general, but we will hold him tight for as long as he is willing to be held.  I may not be able to stop, or even slow down, time, but I can appreciate the moments for what they are.  It is, after all, the small things in life that comprise the big things.  There would be no forest if not for the trees...

Most Loved Dad

As part of our family tradition, we always spend part of the weekend before Thanksgiving decorating the house for Christmas.  Noah took a great deal of pleasure out of trimming the tree this year with his cousin, and did a great job!

Noah took time out, though, to pose for this picture with this ornament he found in the box…

Being a dad is the one of the greatest joys in my life!

Happy Father’s Day!

Walk a Little Slower Daddy

“Walk a little slower, Daddy," said a little child so small.
“I'm following in your footsteps and I don't want to fall.

“Sometimes your steps are very fast, sometimes they're hard to see;
“So walk a little slower Daddy, for you are leading me.

“Someday when I'm all grown up, you’re what I want to be.
“Then I will have a little child who'll want to follow me.

“And I would want to lead just right, and know that I was true;
“So, walk a little slower, Daddy, for I must follow you!”

- Author Unknown

Further Up and Further In

"I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now...Come further up, come further in!" - Jewel The Unicorn in The Last Battle, C. S. Lewis

Readers of C. S. Lewis's "The Chronicles of Narnia" will recognize the reference to one of the last lines in the Narnia stories.  I was first drawn to the books in my childhood, but over the years, as I have re-read them over and over, I am constantly amazed at the wealth of meaning and symbolism packed in to these seven all-too-short books.

Some scenes and lines have stuck out in my mind since way back when, though at the time, I didn't grasp the greater messages implied.  Since then, I have greatly enjoyed revisiting the stories from time to time, simultaneously reliving the wonder and excitement I experienced back then, and also seeing the stories through my son's eyes.  Most of all, as an adult, I have appreciated Lewis's expression of his faith in a fresh way that engages the imagination and challenges the spirit.

As a worship leader, the scene quoted above resonates with me.  Here is a group of beings discovering the "real" Narnia for the first time, experiencing yet greater heights of joy with every passing moment.  I find that same sense of the wonder of God's amazing love and grace in the book of Ephesians:

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name.  I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.  Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

There are moments in my life, in the midst of the everyday living, where my spirit catches just a glimpse of these things, and I experience a clarity of thought and emotion, as if I have just awoken from a long dreamless sleep.  My finite mind cannot comprehend of infinity and eternity, and yet, I love to spend time out under a canopy of stars, feeling awed at the evidence of a truth I cannot fully conceive of.  And yet, I experience a strange joy to know that the stark reality of the universe and time without beginning or end has nothing to do with my understanding or acceptance.  It just WAS, and IS, and will ALWAYS BE, and I am but a speck of dust in a split second of time.  Strange, that such thoughts that should depress me instead bring me a sense of wonder and peace.

In the light of space and time, and the God who exists in both, I am nothing, yet the Bible says He knows my name, that He knew me before I was born, and that someday, I will live forever in His presence.  I imagine that each moment will bring greater joy and wonder than the one before as we finally see Him face to face.

Today, live beyond the mundane.  Lift your eyes beyond your circumstances.  Lie back under a blanket of stars, and let the infinite speak to your finite mind.  Dare to hope.  Dare to believe.

"Come further up, come further in!"