And He’s Back… (for now)

Every so often, I am struck with a nagging sense of guilt for letting too much time go by without blogging about the memories that I am supposedly keeping.  Self-condemnation creeps in, and I find myself drifting toward the keyboard to try to catch up with writing about at least seven years of the happenings in our family.  It is at this point, however, that I am also struck with a certain paralysis of the will – I imagine that it’s much like finally sitting down to scrapbook, but realizing that the looming stack of photographs are all out of order and have to be sorted through and prioritized and…. and…….. *sigh*…..  The proverbial shoebox of memories is tucked away once again for safekeeping, but not one step closer to actually being set out for artistic preservation.

I just realized, though, that in some ways, I am a far more active blogger than I realize.  In terms of writing witty, sentimental posts about family and memories…. not so much.  However, I am forever taking pictures, and regularly uploading them to share with my family and friends.  I may not be writing nearly as much as I would like;  nevertheless, I am providing a sort of organized narrative about what’s going on in my life, and after all, isn’t that part of the purpose of blogging?

Or am I still just making excuses?

Parent/Teacher Conferences…

In just a couple of hours, Shelly and I will be going to our very first Parent/Teacher conference at Noah's school.  This is one of those life moments when again I think of just how fast life seems to be streaming by.  I can't seem to wrap my head around the increasing brevity and fleetingness of life, and honestly, I don't even try all that often.  It either gives me a headache or depresses me for the rest of the day.  It feels to me like the first day of school wasn't that long ago, and yet, here we are, just three weeks away from Christmas!

Almost every time I walk into Noah's school, I am reminded of my own childhood, and I find myself sometimes imagining what life was like for my parents when I was young, and wondering if Noah will have similar thoughts someday.  When I was young, I thought parents just somehow knew all there was to know, as if that knowledge came instantaneously upon reaching adulthood.  I was well into my 20s when the harsh reality hit me -- they had been "winging it" all along, trying to do their best with what they had.  That knowledge was revelatory to me.  It helped me to understand them on so many levels, and to forgive and let go of their perceived mistakes.

Now I am the parent of a 6-1/2 year old, who thinks much the same of me and his mom, that we know it all, that we have a solid grasp on what we are doing as parents and as adults.  I just hope that someday he comes to the same conclusions -- we loved him fiercely, and tried to make the best decisions for him and our family.

Life is filled with the "letting go" moments.  From the day that children are born, they are beginning the long journey toward independence, and we, as parents want desperately to hold on to him for as long as we can, all the while knowing we have to slowly let him go, little by little.  Today we will be conferring with his teacher, as we continue the process of sharing him with the larger world in general, but we will hold him tight for as long as he is willing to be held.  I may not be able to stop, or even slow down, time, but I can appreciate the moments for what they are.  It is, after all, the small things in life that comprise the big things.  There would be no forest if not for the trees...

Days Go By

How I wish life had a "pause" button.  All the moments that are meaningful are speeding by in a constant blur.  I wish I had the self-discipline to write in my blog more regularly, however mundane the "memory" seems at the moment.  Memories, like wine or cheese, only improve as time goes by.  It's not that I want to chronicle every single miniscule detail of every event that comes across my radar; I just want to capture a snapshot that will trigger other memories and feelings later in life, when I am looking back, as I always seem to be doing.

I don't feel very articulate tonight.  I have so many thoughts and feelings scrambling for supremacy in the forefront of my mind that I end up instead with a jumbled mishmash of vague impressions that I can't quite express adequately.  This post is my lame attempt to express a little pointless frustration at my chronic failure to put myself into words.

Blah blah blah....