And He’s Back… (for now)

Every so often, I am struck with a nagging sense of guilt for letting too much time go by without blogging about the memories that I am supposedly keeping.  Self-condemnation creeps in, and I find myself drifting toward the keyboard to try to catch up with writing about at least seven years of the happenings in our family.  It is at this point, however, that I am also struck with a certain paralysis of the will – I imagine that it’s much like finally sitting down to scrapbook, but realizing that the looming stack of photographs are all out of order and have to be sorted through and prioritized and…. and…….. *sigh*…..  The proverbial shoebox of memories is tucked away once again for safekeeping, but not one step closer to actually being set out for artistic preservation.

I just realized, though, that in some ways, I am a far more active blogger than I realize.  In terms of writing witty, sentimental posts about family and memories…. not so much.  However, I am forever taking pictures, and regularly uploading them to share with my family and friends.  I may not be writing nearly as much as I would like;  nevertheless, I am providing a sort of organized narrative about what’s going on in my life, and after all, isn’t that part of the purpose of blogging?

Or am I still just making excuses?

Daddy’s Big Book of Truly Incredible Tales and Adventures

Almost all of the stories I have told to Noah over the years (with the exception being our ongoing Star Wars sagas) have sprung from one book.  It is a very rare book, indeed, as only one copy exists; not only so, but it is also a magic book.  Among the tales of Hookleg Jack, Sir Noah the Brave, the Ten Little Ninjas, and Jetpack Jackson lay tales yet to be told, friends yet to be made, mysteries yet to be solved, quests to be embarked on, and so on and so forth. 

The book seems to grow in proportion to the amount of stories read – the further we get into the book, the more we discover there is yet to be explored.  With each telling, the stories develop more life, depth, and detail, seamlessly adapting to Noah’s increasing imagination and wit.

Lately, more often than not, Noah has been enthralled with Star Wars adventures taking place in our own expanded universe, but the book remains nearby, a special treat for those bedtimes when the pirates, knights, and other adventurers are clamoring for attention.   These are the times we take the dusty book down from the bookshelf, twist the key to unlock its secrets, open the creaky binding, and let the imaginary words begin to take shape as, together, we step forth into other worlds and times.

I love being a dad!

Too Much Social Networking, Too Little Blogging

I am a late arriver to Facebook.  I’ve had an account there, along with MySpace for some time, but I only used them sporadically, mostly to keep in touch with the younger members of my extended family.  Over the past month, however, my wife and I have suddenly found ourselves connecting with more and more of the people we know, as well as reconnecting with old friends, classmates, and acquaintances from our past.  In many respects, it has felt like one great big reunion, and has been a wonderful experience.

The downside is that in getting so connected is that I have realized just how much I have neglected the online activities that have meant the most to me, such as writing regularly in this blog.  Looking back over the dates, I am embarrassed to see such gaps in time, as if those gaps suggest periods of my life where I just didn’t care about what was happening in my life.  That couldn’t be any farther from the truth.  I love to chronicle everything in some way or another, usually by photographs or by my ever-present video camera, but I have always had a special fondness for words.

I’ve written far too many posts in the past (most of them deleted in hindsight) vowing to do better and to write regularly, so I know better than to do it again.  In my heart, I would write everyday, or at least once or twice a week, but I will let this post serve as my yearly reminder to myself to step up the pace a bit.  I only get to go through this life once, and if I write down the memories, thoughts, and feelings for no one else, I write them for myself.  Unfortunately, that particular audience tends to be the harshest of critics of my efforts…

Parent/Teacher Conferences…

In just a couple of hours, Shelly and I will be going to our very first Parent/Teacher conference at Noah's school.  This is one of those life moments when again I think of just how fast life seems to be streaming by.  I can't seem to wrap my head around the increasing brevity and fleetingness of life, and honestly, I don't even try all that often.  It either gives me a headache or depresses me for the rest of the day.  It feels to me like the first day of school wasn't that long ago, and yet, here we are, just three weeks away from Christmas!

Almost every time I walk into Noah's school, I am reminded of my own childhood, and I find myself sometimes imagining what life was like for my parents when I was young, and wondering if Noah will have similar thoughts someday.  When I was young, I thought parents just somehow knew all there was to know, as if that knowledge came instantaneously upon reaching adulthood.  I was well into my 20s when the harsh reality hit me -- they had been "winging it" all along, trying to do their best with what they had.  That knowledge was revelatory to me.  It helped me to understand them on so many levels, and to forgive and let go of their perceived mistakes.

Now I am the parent of a 6-1/2 year old, who thinks much the same of me and his mom, that we know it all, that we have a solid grasp on what we are doing as parents and as adults.  I just hope that someday he comes to the same conclusions -- we loved him fiercely, and tried to make the best decisions for him and our family.

Life is filled with the "letting go" moments.  From the day that children are born, they are beginning the long journey toward independence, and we, as parents want desperately to hold on to him for as long as we can, all the while knowing we have to slowly let him go, little by little.  Today we will be conferring with his teacher, as we continue the process of sharing him with the larger world in general, but we will hold him tight for as long as he is willing to be held.  I may not be able to stop, or even slow down, time, but I can appreciate the moments for what they are.  It is, after all, the small things in life that comprise the big things.  There would be no forest if not for the trees...

Most Loved Dad

As part of our family tradition, we always spend part of the weekend before Thanksgiving decorating the house for Christmas.  Noah took a great deal of pleasure out of trimming the tree this year with his cousin, and did a great job!

Noah took time out, though, to pose for this picture with this ornament he found in the box…

Being a dad is the one of the greatest joys in my life!

Happy Father’s Day!

Walk a Little Slower Daddy

“Walk a little slower, Daddy," said a little child so small.
“I'm following in your footsteps and I don't want to fall.

“Sometimes your steps are very fast, sometimes they're hard to see;
“So walk a little slower Daddy, for you are leading me.

“Someday when I'm all grown up, you’re what I want to be.
“Then I will have a little child who'll want to follow me.

“And I would want to lead just right, and know that I was true;
“So, walk a little slower, Daddy, for I must follow you!”

- Author Unknown

Further Up and Further In

"I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now...Come further up, come further in!" - Jewel The Unicorn in The Last Battle, C. S. Lewis

Readers of C. S. Lewis's "The Chronicles of Narnia" will recognize the reference to one of the last lines in the Narnia stories.  I was first drawn to the books in my childhood, but over the years, as I have re-read them over and over, I am constantly amazed at the wealth of meaning and symbolism packed in to these seven all-too-short books.

Some scenes and lines have stuck out in my mind since way back when, though at the time, I didn't grasp the greater messages implied.  Since then, I have greatly enjoyed revisiting the stories from time to time, simultaneously reliving the wonder and excitement I experienced back then, and also seeing the stories through my son's eyes.  Most of all, as an adult, I have appreciated Lewis's expression of his faith in a fresh way that engages the imagination and challenges the spirit.

As a worship leader, the scene quoted above resonates with me.  Here is a group of beings discovering the "real" Narnia for the first time, experiencing yet greater heights of joy with every passing moment.  I find that same sense of the wonder of God's amazing love and grace in the book of Ephesians:

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name.  I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.  Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

There are moments in my life, in the midst of the everyday living, where my spirit catches just a glimpse of these things, and I experience a clarity of thought and emotion, as if I have just awoken from a long dreamless sleep.  My finite mind cannot comprehend of infinity and eternity, and yet, I love to spend time out under a canopy of stars, feeling awed at the evidence of a truth I cannot fully conceive of.  And yet, I experience a strange joy to know that the stark reality of the universe and time without beginning or end has nothing to do with my understanding or acceptance.  It just WAS, and IS, and will ALWAYS BE, and I am but a speck of dust in a split second of time.  Strange, that such thoughts that should depress me instead bring me a sense of wonder and peace.

In the light of space and time, and the God who exists in both, I am nothing, yet the Bible says He knows my name, that He knew me before I was born, and that someday, I will live forever in His presence.  I imagine that each moment will bring greater joy and wonder than the one before as we finally see Him face to face.

Today, live beyond the mundane.  Lift your eyes beyond your circumstances.  Lie back under a blanket of stars, and let the infinite speak to your finite mind.  Dare to hope.  Dare to believe.

"Come further up, come further in!"

Days Go By

How I wish life had a "pause" button.  All the moments that are meaningful are speeding by in a constant blur.  I wish I had the self-discipline to write in my blog more regularly, however mundane the "memory" seems at the moment.  Memories, like wine or cheese, only improve as time goes by.  It's not that I want to chronicle every single miniscule detail of every event that comes across my radar; I just want to capture a snapshot that will trigger other memories and feelings later in life, when I am looking back, as I always seem to be doing.

I don't feel very articulate tonight.  I have so many thoughts and feelings scrambling for supremacy in the forefront of my mind that I end up instead with a jumbled mishmash of vague impressions that I can't quite express adequately.  This post is my lame attempt to express a little pointless frustration at my chronic failure to put myself into words.

Blah blah blah....

The Bedtime Train

Since I'm using this blog to preserve personal family memories, I thought I'd mention the latest bedtime routine that Noah and I have.  It goes something like this:

ME: (making train noises as Mommy gives Noah his imaginary golden ticket)  All aboard!  Tickets please!

NOAH: (extending the ticket to me)  Here you go!

ME: (closely inspecting the ticket)  Another golden ticket!?!  Someone must love you VERY much!

NOAH: (grinning from ear to ear) My momma does!

ME: (punches ticket and hands it back before picking Noah up in my arms)  LAST CALL!!!

NOAH AND ME: (as Noah pretends to pull the train whistle)  WHOO WHOO!!!!  (singing together as we make our way upstairs) "All aboard the bedtime train....."

It varies sometimes, but Noah loves the routine!  Of course, he enjoys it more if there is a story still to be told as he's tucked in.  Sometimes the story is from a book, but more often than not, it's from DADDY'S BOOK OF TRULY INCREDIBLE TALES OF ADVENTURE.  But that's another post entirely for another time.  :-)

Leaving Fall...

The foliage this year has been absolutely beautiful.  Most years, the majority of the leaves would have fallen by now, leaving mostly barren trees as a portend of the approaching winter.  Yes, it has peaked, and the annual stampede of leafpeepers have dissipated, returning to wherever they have come from.  But the foliage remains.

I had wanted to take long car rides this fall, armed with my trusty camera, and capture the beauty that is northern New Hampshire in the fall.  Unfortunately, problems with both of our vehicles have left us restricted to our local community.  Nevertheless, I've taken a few pictures here and there, mostly pre-peak and post-peak, but more than I have in recent years.

Earlier today, Noah and I were out for a quick ride to Grammie's house, and I thought to grab my camera.  In the short five minute ride, I managed to get a few fairly decent shots in, stopping the car several times along the way.

"Dad," Noah piped up from the back seat, "why do you keep stopping to take so many pictures of the leaves?!"

I expressed to him how beautiful I thought they were, and how I wanted to try to capture the breathtaking imagery of the late afternoon sunlight streaming through the still-colorful leaves.  Then it occurred to me -- the next time I would see the leaves again would be through the eyes of a 40-year-old.

I still haven't resolved how I'm feeling about this particular transition in my life, but at the moment, I seem to be at peace about the whole thing.  Of course, that may change as the days and months pass, but for now, I'm not nearly as worked up about it as I imagined I would be by now.

Anyway, back to the leaves...

Autumn is precious to me, altogether too short, but sweet nonetheless.  The sights of the changing leaves coupled with the crispness of the air evokes many warm memories of years gone by.  Fall, to me, has always been like a visit from an old friend who happens to be in town for a few days, a time of reminiscing and of remembering, but most of all, just the peaceful joy of enjoying the season for what it is.

Stocking Up

One of the purposes of this blog is to chronicle some of the fleeting details of life that can't quite be captured in pictures or video. On that note, I wanted to preserve one of the sweetest exchanges that Noah and I regularly have when I (or he) is leaving for part of the day.

Simply put, we make sure that we are stocked up on our hugs, kisses, "I love you"s, stories, songs, adventures, etc. for the day. I "put" several of the aforementioned things into my hand, and hand them over to him for safekeeping until he decides to draw from them throughout the day.

Before long, he was reciprocating and trading off with me when we would say our goodbyes. I just wish I could wrap them up and keep them in a box somewhere as keepsakes of his childhood. Then again, I suppose I am already doing that in the memory keepsake box that is my heart. :)

The "List"

As part of Noah's bedtime routine, Mom usually spends some time with him downstairs, cuddling with him on the couch and singing songs to him. Daddy then tucks him into bed, and spends some time with him, reading to him, telling him stories, or talking about the day's events.

One particular night, Noah asked if we could talk about something. "Sure, bud," I replied, "What would you like to talk about?" Much to my surprise, he pretended to be unscrolling a list, and said, "Let's see, three things from my list..." while reviewing it. "Here's one! How does electricity get to the lamp?"

Since then, we frequently draw our bed-time conversations from "the list", which has since grown into the "long list" and the "short list". I can't exactly explain the difference between the two, other than that he likes to ask at least one question from both lists. Fortunately, more often than not, I've been able to somewhat answer the questions adequately. I admit, though, I've had to just smile and respond "I don't know the answer to that. We'll have to look it up tomorrow." Which he usually holds me to!

Let the Earth Be Laughter

Inspired by the recent worship conference I had attended, I stopped at the church and picked up my guitar to take back to the house. Noah saw it, and said, "Oh, you brought your guitar home so you and me can play guitar together, Daddy?"

"Sure, bud," I said with a smile, "We can play guitar together." So, after a while, he and I played a few songs from church before moving on to a video game. Later, though, he brought his guitar into the kitchen where I was and said, "I wrote a song." He then proceeded to sing me a sweet song about sunshine and playing, while strumming his guitar.

I had heard it said that God perceives our songs in the same way. The best of our skills and abilities don't hold a candle to the choirs of angels ministering before His throne day and night, but it is not so much our skills and abilities He's moved by. It is our heart's song, expressed through a simple act of free will choosing to honor Him, that touches His heart.

Of course, I'd heard that before, and I believe I even referenced it once or twice when speaking about worship, but hearing the sweet voice of my son singing from his heart a song he made up gave me a much greater appreciation for the analogy.

I told Noah I'd like to record his song, and set up the digital voice recorder. Instead of singing his song he had sang for me a moment earlier, he decided to sing another song he wrote. The main part of the song consisted of "Let the earth be laughter" and "Let the earth be worthy and rejoice to the King". As he explained to me when we were done, he wants to write songs about God.

We listened to the recorded song together, as we began to sing along, I thought again about the precious gift that God gave to me in my son. At that moment, singing and making music together, we were continuing a father-son connection that had begun when I was a little boy listening with proud wonder as my dad poured himself into his music. I remember watching his fingers create such beautiful sounds, be it guitar, bass, or piano, and wishing I could do the same.

Now, I watch my (almost) 5-year-old son creating his own beautiful sounds, and find myself wishing I could see the world with the same purity and simplicity of heart that he does. Tonight, however, my world truly is laughter and rejoicing to the King.

The Last Mile (reflections on the start of a new year)

It's so hard to believe that not only is it 2007 already, but we're almost halfway into the first month. I could say something very cliche here about time going by faster every year, and so on and so forth, but I won't. I could write about New Year's resolutions, and their subsequent failures, but I won't.

Instead, I just want to take a moment to note a couple of milestones that will be taking place this year. My oldest nephew, Dan, will be 16. My oldest niece, Jennifer, will be 18 and leaving for college. My son will be 5. And I will be 39, the last mile to go before cresting the proverbial hill.

Okay, so I'm being a little dramatic on that last point. I hear that 40 is the new 30. That worries me a bit, as I had a bit of an emotional difficulty turning 30. Which reminds me of an old joke that made the e-mail rounds a few years back:

"Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?.... "I'm four and a half" .... You're never 36 and a half .... you're four and a half going on five!

That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens .... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony .... you BECOME 21 ... YES!!!

But then you turn 30 .... ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk .... He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now.

What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40 ..... stay over there, it's all slipping away ........

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 ..... and your dreams are gone.

Then you MAKE IT to 60 ..... you didn't think you'd make it!!!!

So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!

After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday .... You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas .... it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.

And it doesn't end there .... into the 90's you start going backwards .... I was JUST 92 ...

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again .... "I'm 100 and a half!!!!""

-- author unknown

I imagine I'll probably be writing a fair amount about this looming milestone in my life over the next year, but don't get me wrong. I'm enjoying every season of my life, and I know the best is yet to come. I just wish time would slow down a little bit...

Why "Keepers of the Memories"?

Just in case anybody was remotely interested...

My wife and I are the unoffical "Keepers of the Memories" in our family. Michelle scrapbooks, and I am one of those sorts who is never without a camera (digital or video) at every family event, social function, and random moment in life. I have videos going back to 1989, when my niece was just a tiny baby, and thousands of digital pictures from the past five years or so, especially since the arrival of our son.

Of course, all the archived memories in the world aren't worth much if they are not looked at from time to time and shared with others. Michelle has created a stack of scrapbooks, and so this blog is my attempt to do something similar, but different.

I've tried keeping a diary or a journal on and off since I was just a kid, but I've never been successful at chronicling the little things. In fact, I remember one year when I started off the year with some great in-depth writing about the different things I had done that day, but within a short time, I was just scribbling "School" or "No school" on each day's page in an effort to allay the guilt I felt from not writing every day.

So, my only rule here is that there are no rules. I can write when I want, however often (or not) I want, and not feel guilty for keeping the blog up-to-date. My hopes are that I write something of some value from time to time, but I'm not even holding my breath on that one.

But... you never know...